White Manna, black times

From the humorous, authentic (?) Diary of an Oberwaldner

December 8

It has started to snow. It’s the first snow for this season. My wife Simone and I sip on our cocktails, sit for hours at the window and watch how giant white flakes float down out of the sky. It looks like in a fairy tale. So romantic – we feel freshly in love. I love snow…

December 9

A beautiful layer of white snow covers each centimetre of the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Is there a more beautiful place in the world?

To move here was the best idea I ever had in my life. Today I shovelled snow for the first time since many years. I feel like a little kid. I cleared the entry to the house. In the afternoon the snow plough came through and filled up everything again. So I got back to shovelling. What a terrific life…

December 12

The sun melted the whole beautiful snow. What a disappointment. My neighbour tells me that I don’t have to concern. We sure will have white Christmas. Rudi predicts that we will have that much snow till the end of the year that I never want to see snow again. Rudi is a very nice guy – I’m so glad he is our neighbour.

December 14

Snow, wonderful snow. 30cm last night. The temperature sunk to -20 degrees. The cold lets everything glitter. The wind cuts my breath. During scooping I heat myself up. The snow plough came in the afternoon and refilled everything. Well at least, that puts me back into shape. Wished, I would not have to puff and gasp so much with it…

December 15

60cm new snow. Sold my family van and bought a snowmobile. And winter tires, and two extra shovels. The refrigerator is filled up. My wife wants a wood-burning stove – in case electricity fails. That’s ridiculous – we are not living inAlaska.

December 16

Ice storm. Fell on my back while salting the entrance. Helluva pain. My wife laughed at me. That’s mean…

December 17

Still far below zero degree. The roads are too frozen to get somewhere. Five-hour blackout. I had to wrap myself into wool blankets to prevent frostbite. No television. Nothing to do – except to gaze at my wife. Accept as true now that we should have bought a wood stove, but I would never admit that. I hate it, if she is right…

December 20

Electricity is back. Last night another 40cm of that bloody stuff. More to shovel – lasted me all day. That foolish snow plough turned up twice. I tried to hire some neighbour kids for scooping. They say they have no time, because they should play Ice Hockey. Pack of liars. Wanted to buy a snow thrower. Sold out. Only in March they will receive more. Bloody liars. Rudi says that I must shovel. Otherwise the municipality will get the job done and sends me the bill. He lies like a trooper.

December 22

At night once again 30cm; it is so cold that the whole stuff won’t melt before August. It lasted 45 minutes to get dressed for shovelling – and then I had to wee. Thus undress, wee-wee, dress again… afterwards I was too tired for scooping. Have tried to hire Rudi, but he answered that he has too much to do. I believe that he’s still lying.

December 23

Today only 10cm. My wife wants me to decorate the house. Is she nuts? I don’t have time – I must SHOVEL.

December 24

Again 20cm. The snow plough squeezed the snow so firmly that the shovel broke. Thought, I get a heart attack that much I outraged. If I get that snow plough driver in my hands, I poke him head over into the snow. I know exactly that he hides himself somewhere and waits, until I am finished with my shovel job. And then he races up the road with 150km/h and throws tons of snow exactly on the place, which I cleared. My wife wanted to sing Christmas carols with me and unpack gifts. I don’t have time. I must look out for that snow plough.

December 25

Merry Christmas. Again 60cm. The thought for snow shovelling lets my blood cooking. O God, I hate snow. Then the snow plough driver went past and asked for a donation. I bopped his head with the shovel. My wife says that I have bad manners. Ha, yet I was holding myself back.

December 26

Still snowbound. What in the world has made us come here?

December 27

The temperature has dropped to minus 30 degrees. The water pipes are frozen.

December 28

Still being snowed up. I go NUTS!!!

December 29

Again 30cm. Rudi says that I must clear the roof, otherwise it would collapse. That’s the dopiest thing, which I ever heard. How stupid could I be?

December 30

The roof collapsed. The snow plough driver sues me for smart money. My wife drove to her mother. 25cm additional snow is predicted.

December 31

Have ignited the remains of the house. No more shovelling…

December 8

I am well. I like the small pills, which they feed me continuously…